This is not the end

{repost from 2/2021}

Today is one of those days, those mornings, where all is right with the world.

Sun piercing through the clouds in heavenly rays marking our path to Holy Mass.

Front row seat, watching my boys serve on the altar of God. My girls right beside me in our beautiful little church (of which a 5th Sunday Mass needs to be added because the TLM is truly an ark in this great flood).

Introibo ad altare Dei. Ad Deum qui laetificat juventutem meam. Yes, indeed…I will go under the altar of God, to God who gives joy to my youth.

Laughs and conversation with another beautiful mama, of life and everything between the lines while our girls are in Catechism. Boys off to play football before we spend the day in more football (Michael was always everything football).

But the sun, oh the glorious sun. A rare treat in this part of the world. One part of life here I’ve always hated and yet the few and far betweens of this glorious ball of fire lifting me from my own clouds of darkness are to remind me, TO REMIND ME, that THIS IS NOT THE END.

This beautifully messy world, oh you are so wonderous. And yet you fall so short. So confused. So searching.

I’ve found what you are searching for, dear world. It is those rays of it and Him peeking through. The darkness is threatening to snuff out it and Him but the darkness won’t win. The misery of grief and evil, they won’t win.

I know it takes so much perseverance to hold on. It’s so easy to give in and give up. But if I did that then the darkness would be forever. My misery, for all eternity. Oh no, we can’t have that. And so these few and far betweens of these beautifully perfect moments are enough to keep me pointed in the right direction.

These glorious little ecstasies as a taste of one that won’t end.

My strength is failing as of late. Every drop of my soul poured out in white blood for this mission, this life, Jesus has me in. But that’s OK, too. Because right now, RIGHT NOW, I am fortified in the whispers and the sun and the moments that leave me breathless and I am on my knees in praise.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

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