The widow’s life

{repost from 5/2021}

Fire fire fire fire fire.

This is life. This is the widow’s life. This is the Christian life.

Burning, consuming, destroying, renewing, refining.

I need to start bringing a journal to Mass. The fire of the Holy Ghost pouring flames upon my mind and heart, consuming my thoughts in between the Word, making my desires burn deep within me. He pierces my senses. He sets me aflame.

And then the evil one brings a fire of his own. Attempting to destroy with the flames of despair and broken memories and the lie, of dear Jesus please be a lie, that nothing will ever come to fruition. That hope will always remain a sentiment and nothing more.

All of this happening during the readings, on this Ember Saturday (more embers…), of the protection of the three in the fiery flames. (That is what we read the day before he died.) Of the prophesies of God’s love, of how He listens to our repentance and will walk His people out of fire and into rest.

Oh dear Jesus, please walk with me. Please lead me to rest.

Right now I am stuck, no…more like bi-locating, between two worlds. The here and the to come. I am also moving between the past and the future. My only love in the past, and my desires beckoning me into the future. Often I can hold both equally. Sometimes they both crush me. The duality of life. The duality of the widow’s life. The duality of the Christian life.

I am beginning to see why God loves the widow so much.

Because her life is the embodiment of the Christian life. Because her love is gone and her Love is yet to come. Letting go of the only thing she cherished as much as Him, to surrender to His goodness.

And then I hold it together at Mass and finally weep through these words and let the fire take more of me. To rest in the flames. To know they are making me into a new creation. To know I don’t need to figure out anything. To ask, like I did so many years ago with my life before me, for God to surprise me.

So, God, surprise me.

Make me like gold…shimmering in the newness of a coming dawn. Take my heart, prostrate before You, and surprise me.

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