The piercing of the heart

{repost from 12/1/2020}

How do you put into limiting words, that which is the limitless experience of the sword piercing the heart?

I’ve tried, trust me. I write pages and then stop before my sentence is even finished for I don’t know how to capture it all. And now I know why Mary pondered it all in her heart.

The only words I can use to describe life for me is: fire. I am sitting in fire, my heart burning in grief, my soul burning in the union of Jesus to it, my mind and body burning in deep ache for the other half of me not here. It is an experience that leaves one solely sustained by God for there have been moments when I thought it was my own end, that I am only alive because God has kept me so. And now I know why people die of a broken heart.

The heaviness so heavy I sometimes stuff it down just to function. I have no defenses against this battle and so I climb into the trench to rest only to pull myself out again and keep fighting this war. Tears, which used to be my daily bread, replaced by the embers of the slow burning fire of sorrow that has become my companion. This sorrow casing all things, joy breaking through but for a momentary release and then it’s back to the flames.

Every earthly thing I ever wanted died with Michael: my hopes, dreams, escapes and attachments. There is nothing here I desire or that could even come close to quenching this fire. God is my only sustenance. And I guard my peace at all costs so I don’t risk losing even Him.

And, for myself and the kids, each day it still gets harder. Probably because we have no strength left to bear this weight. The ache for their dad consuming all their earthly bonds, as well, for their sights are solely on the eternity their dad resides in and how they, too, can merit life with him.

And there is so much more. Each day a lifetime lived in workings of the soul and Spirit, feeling every human emotion with all we are allowing God to do. Not to mention my new role of mom AND dad and leading them solo in this big scary world.

Last week we escaped into the mountains to rest. I’m now starting to piece together my ponderings, discerning where they should land, and praying for fruitfulness and the words to encompass our pierced hearts.

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