The cross is where I remain

{repost from 5/2021}

I know now. I know, I know, I know.

I know why the suffering. I know why.

It is so late and my mind won’t turn off and in just a few hours the dawn will bring 9 months since his soul took flight. Since his body last laid next to our bed. Since his body last laid in my arms.

I want to stay up late, like that night before. To retrace every moment, every tear, every word. Every holy second of ushering him into where he is now.

Rewinding is all I want to do. And fast forwarding, maybe, too. To more memories, to more hope. To continuing to crawl out of this hole. But I stay, in the here and now.

And I know why my Father allowed it and why He is allowing it now. OK maybe not a human knowing but a spiritual knowing. I know how much He has drawn me deep into His bosom through this pain. I see Him so clearly through my tears. He has come to live in the place broken open by my tears.

This suffering is a home. A home I try to peek out of because light and joy are waiting, too, but it is the place we meet Him. It is the place we sit next to Him in the Garden. When we are ready He gives us more tastes of the bitter chalice because He tasted…no, consumed and drank freely…of it until the end. He wants to share for in sharing He is less lonely.

Oh, sweet Jesus, let me make you less lonely.

I know what it’s like to have people walk with me in my grief. To just be and love me and hold our family and carry us in our darkest moments. I also know what it’s like to feel the opposite. This agony is a gift for it allows me to walk with Christ in His grief, the greatest gift we can give Him. And to be chosen to do so leaves me in awe and gratitude. No, not gratitude that he died. But gratitude that the pain has taken my own soul flight and landed it in the Garden, next to the Cross. Next to Him. So close to Him.

This life is the cross. It is such a short life. A drop compared to the Resurrection, shall I persevere until the end. So the cross is where I remain, close to Him, and in this knowing I shall be able to lie down and sleep in peace.

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