Rising from the ashes

{repost from 5/2021}

We had some family here last week and my aunt and I were walking and talking at the beach and I told her what a mystifying experience it was simultaneously living in the past while being built into a new creation.

That parts of me, or maybe it’s moments of me, are back there…reliving, feeling what I felt, remembering who I was/we were, how he smelled, what we used to do.

And there is the me that is rising from the ashes, new, different, being formed into who she will be and the future she will have.

I said it in my stories, but I feel different on a cellular level…that even the smallest parts of me have gone unaffected by the death of my other half. That we really were one. And half of my organs, my cells, my heart, soul, and whatever else have been ripped out and new tentacles are growing in their place.

Driving in the car is where I sense it the most. (I love driving btw) Music blaring, windows down, fog clearing, innermost parts of me searching. (I used to choreograph for my students in the car, well in my mind in the car. The old Ford Tempo creation station…)

But instead of seeing hip-hop moves I see a new future. A future that is as bright as it is dark. A future I am oddly excited about. A future that does not forget him or leave him behind because no matter how much he is gone from this earth and my body he is still interwoven in the kids’ and my very beings.

Yes, it is a future I must grieve. The versions of us that don’t get to exist because he is not here. I always wonder where we would be now, with that newly adopted baby, him finally taking time off work, chasing our dreams.

And I must mourn all of that with everything else. And it’s so sad.

And then I sense that the trajectory I (the kids too) are on is also good and there is a twinge of anticipation to see materialize what I feel in the spiritual parts of my senses.

So, this is life. The back and forth, past to future, living only in the present. The sadness and excitement meshed together. The never letting go and moving forward.

All of it together is OK, and all of it together is beautiful, sorrowful, and good.

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