My testimony is not in my words

{repost from 4/2021}

I keep wanting to write to tell you things. To tell you of what I have discovered and learned, to relay the ways of purification and peace. To walk you through our lives with the words I can muster and tell you of it all.

But how do you capture all that is this life, the inner and outer workings of a spirit searching, longing, seeking, and sometimes finding?

I’ve said it before, but I’m sometimes paralyzed by all that is swimming in my mind and soul.

Sometimes I can’t write because there is too much to say.

Sometimes I can’t write because it feels like too much venting.

Sometimes I can’t write because the living and refining is the focus.

And sometimes I can’t write because the words I actually want to say might scare people away.

And I just get so stuck.

And I am reminded: my testimony does not live in my words.

My testimony lives in the stable, happy, holy, well adjusted children I’ve had to now raise on my own for 8 months…and mostly while he was sick. My testimony lies in the peace I carry no matter how much I balled my eyes out 20 minutes before. My testimony lies in our suffering and being made so low, so nothing. Everything stripped, the most important person/thing/being in our lives not here…and yet we are rising. Actually, being raised.

My testimony lies in the ways the kids and I have altered, adjusted, and molded our lives based on the inspirations of the Lord in our (traditional) Catholic faith. On now seeking Him and Heaven alone.

My testimony lies in obedience to God and how He wishes to use those fruits for things I won’t ever see.

I may not be able to tell it all. Goodness, I wish I could. Because to hold grief and life and all these thoughts in this little 5’2” person for all this time makes me feel like I’m going to explode…and mostly because I know you are going through things too and when we see our sentiments verbalized we can often be released from the weight.

But at the end of the day, our testimonies are more than anything we could ever communicate.
Fruits that come from obedience to and charity in our state in life, fruits from the things you and I do that are only seen by God. Fruits more than enough to bear life in this sick, dying, dark world.

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