Laying prostrate

{repost from 2/2021}

So weary. So tired and overwhelmed. So sad. So heartbroken.

God must be holding some (probably more than I think) of this weight because I feel it press down harder some days. I mean, life is tough the way it is but then add an extra ounce or pound of the sorrow and misery I’m carrying and it’s enough to keep me crawling.

Just when I process and accept some piece of this life another is revealed. And then it hits me like a grenade and I climb out of the hole with the tools I’ve mastered and the grace I’ve been given and then I find my footing – only to do it all again.

Add the reality of all that I will lose in the future (at least we need to be ready to lose it all ‘cause it’s coming…) and it’s enough to push me back down from crawling to prostrate.

But I guess God prefers us to be prostrate.

The biggest piece of the dam still standing, still holding back a torrential amount of grief is the fact I haven’t fully mourned that I lost big pieces of Michael years ago.

I see it now, and while I saw it then I thought it was stress, too much work, our own hardships, and other things. But 5 or 6 yrs ago (around the time his dad died from Alzheimer’s, we moved and took on too big of a property, I was sick, 4th baby came, Michael took over and was running a big brokerage business…all at the same time) I can now look back and see that this tumor, softball sized when it was diagnosed Sept ‘19, was rearing it’s ugly head.

And I am just so sad. I’m not ready to talk about or even face those years. Such an unyieldingly hard time. And then we had that short period of great hope and expectation I’ve spoken of, with a new life, a new (adopted) baby coming, and then having it all pulled out from underneath us, only to have him die.

So, yes, the weight of his death is just too much but then add all that before and all that is to come and how do people make it through without the hope of heaven? That none of this is in vain? That this is a valley of the shadows of death and what I’m actually created for hasn’t come yet? That the only way is the cross?

Prostrate, crawling, I keep on. Listening, waiting, grieving, hoping, accepting. Trusting the mystery that is God and His ways.

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