“Brethren, we cease not to pray for you, and to beg that you may be filled with the knowledge of the will of God, in all wisdom and understanding, that you may walk worthy of God, in all things pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened will all might according to the power of His glory, in all patience and long suffering with joy giving thanks to God the Father, who hath made us worthy to be partakers of the lots of the saints in light: who hath delivered us from the power of darkness, and hath translated us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His Blood, the remission of sins.” Col 1:9-14, Epistle Last Sunday after Pentecost.
Ok, this second year of widowhood is kicking my butt. Maj.
It is physically emptying me of everything I thought I was emptied of and spiritually calling me to detach from the attachments I have leaned on as crutches to get me through. To head into the deep naked in all but the Lord.
Silence and solitude have been my companions. I mean, not really with four kids, but interiorly.
On the way to Hawaii in September, I asked the Lord to start hiding me. I asked Him to keep hidden from me all the fruits of our sufferings. I asked Him to draw me further away from the world and further into Him. I am finding peace in this “hiding.” Obscurity and sometimes desolation, yes, but peace.
I’m also realizing that, in this hiding, I will be finding myself. I’m in cocoon of sorts. And when and what I will emerge into, I don’t know yet. All I know is that it will be different. I will continue to be different. To shed the old wineskins, to throw off childish ways.
Ending this church year and beginning another next Sunday. Ending old ways of who I was and beginning new life in who I will be. Oftentimes this transformation overlaps but instead of asking for things I ask for graces that this transition won’t be as painful as the other ones. But if it is, I can do that, too.
For in all of this, I am being made worthy to be a partaker of the lots of the saints in light.