Another Saturday

{repost from 3/2021}

It’s late Saturday night. I made it through another Saturday.

Saturday’s are so tough.

So so tough.

The mornings full of football games and errands and days of house cleaning and cars and chores (all the things he used to to and now I must) and the time when families are usually all together after a week’s worth of work…but we aren’t. And I’m so tired.

So so tired.

No respite from the loneliness and the longing.

The plate overflowing because I can’t quite keep up.

Making myself listen to sappy Joni Mitchell just to break the shell of the walls I’ve built to keep the grief at bay – grief that is starting to make me forgetful and somewhat lost.

Actually quite lost.

I just wish you could come and see inside this mind, this heart, this life.

He wished that too. That’s why this cross is mine. You have yours, too. The days when there is no respite from the wooden splinters.

Anyway…how does one keep going? How does one survive this?? How did she at the foot of that cross? No wonder we have two feast days honoring her Sorrows…

So much lately have I been looking back. At all the beautiful memories of him and who he was. I want to start sharing more of that. Many of you knew him. A lot of you didn’t. I am clenching those memories in fists I will never open because I can’t lose them like I lost him. Memories are all I now have and yet memories don’t kiss you back.

So much lately pondering all those months he was sick: all the ways I was processing it, what he was going through, what our kids and family were going through. Many of you walked that journey with us. I want to start sharing more of that, for under the surface of a few pictures and musings was so much more. All his trials and how he handled them, what our kids went through, the great evils heaped upon our family when we were already down and out…if you only knew.

But, again, right now, is life in front of me. I will keep unpacking this life all the while trying to figure out how to live it. Forgetting my grocery lists and emails and especially myself in the process.

At least tomorrow is not Saturday.

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