All in due time

{repost from 2/2021}

One thing I’m really trying to do is honor this time.

For there is a time for everything, isn’t there?

A time for light and a time for darkness. A time for laughing and a time for weeping. (I guess I’m doing both of those at the same time.)

How much better off would we be if we honored these “times” in our life? The time after having a baby. The time once settled into a new stage in life. The times of great transitions and transformations (for good or ill) that require an intense amount from our minds, bodies, and souls.

This is me right now, honoring this time of acute grief and transition. Learning how to hold and mesh two lives: the one with him and now the one without. I know I will be called “out” at some point and used more for others, in a greater way than what I can offer here and there. I know I’ll hit a point where others become more important than my own well being. But right now, in addition to being mom and dad and running a household on my own, my priority is my heart/mind/body/soul and those of my babies. To allow the wind of grief to carry us as it wills, day by day, moment by moment. Casting aside even best laid plans to carry the cross where we are led.

For this time, the time we are mourning the husband and daddy not here, is such a sacred time. It is to be held with utmost care, not tossed away because it’s easier to push forward, to do allthethings and stuff down the pain. The pain needs to be nursed and held and then buried, not gone forever, but nurtured so it may transform into a new creation.

I am quite lucky to have this time.

Many throughout history, facing even greater evils, have not had the luxury of time tucked away. So I’m seeing it as a gift and holding it as such. Listening. Seeking. Letting my tears be the seeds and hope be the dawning.

(Perhaps Jesus could throw a few naps my way, too? That would be good for this time lol. The ultimate ceasing of all things to recharge, I’ll take it. Sidenote, when M was sick we’d go to Adoration weekly and I’d always fall asleep on his arm and Jesus would say “sleep my daughter.” And I did.)

I’m excited to see what God is doing with all this, but for now this is where I should be. All in due time.

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