8 months

{repost from 4/2021}

Twice now I have almost picked up my phone to call him.

Once was last week, when I got to Idaho to chill with my bestie. I set my suitcase down and thought, “I need to give him a ring to tell him about my flight!” And the other was yesterday, walking into our homeschool community day, wanting to chat with him at work like we did so many mornings and thinking I needed to call him and then realized that can’t happen.

Today is 8 months. 8 months since I last shaved him and touched him and laid next to him in our bed. 8 months since his soul took flight to it’s Creator. 8 months since I saw him breathe his last and since our family, our babies and him and I, were all together in our home. As a family. Together….

We are still united despite the veil between earth and eternity, which has created the most spiritual fume in our home, and yet the physical separation is eating away at me. I feel my own body changing, responding to the loss of my other half, seeking how to cope, wondering how she is supposed to breathe sometimes, learning how to be new.

Our kids are becoming little saints. I keep saying I want to write about them, but I also love keeping their story so much their own. But let’s just say that (despite normal grief) Jesus has enraptured them with the most holy love. Their little hearts are seeking Him earnestly amidst their own pain, saying things like, “I miss daddy sop much but I am so happy for him…” and, “I pray every night to have a holy death like dad’s.”

It’s almost like an inverse equation…that the more our bodies fail and falter under this weight of loss the spiritual graces increase as an opposite effect. Our white martyrdom. Michael offering himself to the Lord’s most holy will and his family left behind with the subsequent graces…

I don’t believe Michael had to die for these graces to occur. But he did die and they are occurring. So I just rest in it all and try not to figure anything out and love my babies and try to lead them to heaven, too. And they are leading me and he is leading us and soon, very soon, we all will be together again.

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