6 months later

{repost from 3/2021}

Hidden. Tucked away.

Cultivating the little beauties of this side of eternity and enduring the pains that, ironically, bear so much fruit.

This is where my heart and soul and body long to be. And this is where I have been.

The pain of hitting 6 months and the realities of life sinking into my bones, the fire piercing even new areas, the overwhelm of practical life, and the spiritual sense that hidden and little is the best place to be have been my journey as of late.

Allowing Him to root out all of me while pouring back in all of Him has been my focus. Knowing that Jesus longs for me more and more to be concealed from the world and only known to Him. That none of this suffering is in vain.

That NONE of this suffering is in vain.

I wonder where it is on the Way that I am? Sometimes my soul is stripped. Sometimes it’s crucified. Sometimes laying in the tomb, tucked away. Sometimes all of it at once.

One day it will rise.

I didn’t think hitting 6 months would be a big deal. But that night I found myself face down, in bed, just inches from where he died, tormented from this new phase of grief.

Eyes full of tears, seeing, feeling, my soul being crucified. The pain as real as if it where my flesh.

Was this even a thing, I wondered. A soul crucified?? And then the next day I read about Her and that Her soul was crucified with His body and I said Jesus do with me what Thou wilt.

And reading more about Her and wanting to be just like Her I see how much she was concealed from the world. That even the angels wondered at who She was. And I feel myself slipping from more attachments and this life and clinging more to Him (even in times I don’t like Him that much).

Detachment, the Cross, Abandonment, Charity, Sacraments, Beauty, the Little Things. Missing him so much. Putting all my eggs in the basket of the Trinitarian Life, believing and hoping all things.

All in. Even when I want out. Especially when I want out.

Michael is here and God is here and I’m leaning on both of them to help me and the kids walk this road. A road I’d never choose and yet one I embrace with all the love I can muster. A road leading us towards both of them, to the crown, to the life we were really meant to live.

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